THA | Hamst3r.com

There’s a guy who calls me every now and then, whenever he needs some computer advice. There are times that I’m not around to answer the phone, so his calls are directed to my voicemail. This person always leaves me a voicemail, so I know that they’ve called…the problem is that they doesn’t say anything. What I get is a message with thirty to forty seconds of silence. Who does that? It’s as if they dial the phone, throw it on the ground and dive behind their desk like the phone is a grenade with the pin out.

That’s far too ridiculous though. A more probable scenario is that they were ambushed by ninjas, mid-spreadsheet. Ninjas with unpierceable skin, impervious to miniature cacti and other desktop embellishments. Not even a powerful strike from an unlocked Swingline stapler can stop a determined office ninja. But alas, there is still one more resolve…

“If these ninjas are robotic, all I have to do is dial a disrupt code on the phone to shutdown their internal systems!”…but the ninjas do not stop attacking, for they are not robotic ninjas…

The kill is made. Blood beads down the pleats of his Teflon-coated khakis. The phone drops from his hand, still ringing, as the ninjas retreat into the shadows. My voicemail answers the call, but there is no voice, simply dead air. Thirty seconds later, the transmission comes to an end.

I can’t explain how this can occur so often as resurrection must surely have a hefty price. This person earns quite a paycheck though, so the resurrection process might be perfectly within their budget.

I’d appreciate it though if they would at least have the decency to not expire before the voicemail answers the call. Without a message I don’t know if I should call back or assume they didn’t need anything. I mean, even a faint, “…ninjas…” or a courtesy gurgle as they choke on their own blood would be more than acceptable. That way I’d know to wait three days before calling back.