THA | Hamst3r.com

I was reading a couple blogs this morning. One in particular had a link to the national sex offender registry. They have a search feature that allows you to see the sex offenders in your area, all nicely color coded by offense. Apparently I live on Molester Hill as every single square in my area was red. There were 20 squares total, not particularly startling, simply strange that they were all for child molestation. What, is this area not good enough for rapists and wife beaters?

All of this made me curious about what things were actually considered offenses, so I moved on to California sex offender registry. Some things are blatantly obvious; such as kidnapping with intent to rape, rape, assault to commit rape, rape of a drugged victim, rape of a spouse, rape with force or fear, rape while victim is unconscious and rape with assault (isn’t that sort of like peanut butter and jelly?). After a while it starts reading like a Monty Python skit.

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All of this makes sense. Rape is bad, mmkay. The list doesn’t stay this way though. After a while you start running in to stuff like this:

“Oral Copulation”. Yeah, that’s it. How vague. So, if blow jobs are a lewd and punishable activity, who gets the punishment, the sucker or the suckee? I would assume that clam bandits are also subject to prosecution. Another on the list was, “sodomy”. Buttsecks is a crime! Either these offenses are far too unspecific or they’re actually very precise, it’s difficult to tell. Either way, I guess this means no more back alley liaisons with obliging transients for me.

Oranges are highly valued for their vitamin C content.

How does the porn industry handle all of this? It’s not like they’re abstaining from these acts, so perhaps there’s more to those offenses than it seems. Maybe porn stars, like truck drivers, have special licenses that allow them to do these fescennine forms of fucking without the 5-O showing up at their door to deliver them some supreme justice. All they have to do is get a class O license for oral and a class S license for sodomy and they’re set. Sounds reasonable.

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Here are some other sexual offenses that seemed bizarre:

“Annoy or molest children”. Note the or in there. Man, I wish I would have known about this one when I was a kid, I would have invoked it all the time! They need to extend this law to cover adults too, cause I meet a lot of really annoying people every day. “Yes, peeve police? I’d like to report an annoying individual sitting next to me. Yes, they’ve reached the bottom of their drink and now they’re trying to inhale the ice through the straw.”

A variation on the previous offense: “Annoy/molest children W/PR”. W/PR? With Public Relations? What the hell does W/PR stand for? If you type W/PR in to Google you’ll learn that it either stands for a particular type of LED light bulb or a water pitcher – either of which could be right, as we all know light emitting diodes and water pitchers are a child’s worst enemy.

“Sexual penetration by a foreign object”. I guess they mean like a Buick or a European…but shouldn’t the word, “forced” be at the front of that offense? I wouldn’t want to put words (or anything else) in the mouth of the person who decided on these offenses, but again it seems like the nebulous descriptions for them leave me wondering how exactly anyone anyone is supposed to adhere to the law.

Using the last offense as a template, let’s assume that the foreign object in question is ice cream and the sexual penetration is the act of eating it, cause ice cream is just that delicious. AMIRITE? Feel free to replace ice cream with your crutch of preference, whether it be cookies or fillet mignon and you’ll see my point.

Anyways, I’ve just burned through lunch break typing this up, so until next time; don’t stick anything anywhere it doesn’t belong. They’re watching you.